Mother-in-law drama abounds on social media wedding platforms. Reddit abounds with examples:
Mother-in-law is upset she isn’t involved in the wedding planning process.
Mother-in-law gives toast at the bridal show saying, “I always pictured John with someone more refined, but Mary’s so… fun and casual! It really keeps things interesting.” [Obnoxious, faint praise.]
She gifted bride a book called “The Art of Being a Good Wife.” When bride awkwardly laughed, she said, “Oh, it’s just a little joke! But marriage can be challenging for women who’ve been so career-focused. Thought you’d appreciate it.” [Is bride supposed to be grateful?!]
At a family dinner, she glanced at bride’s plate and said, “Wow, you’re not one of those brides obsessed with crash dieting. Good for you!” [Compliment or insult?]
She pulls bride aside and says, “Planning a wedding can be overwhelming, especially if you’re not naturally organized. But you’re doing your best, and that’s what matters.” [Faint praise after bride mixes up a vendor meeting time.]
Fiancée doesn’t see any of it. He says, “That’s just how she is,” or “She doesn’t mean it like that.”
You get the idea. The question is: what can YOU do to cultivate a good relationship with your future-mother-in-law [MIL]? Granted, some MIL’s are, and shall remain, tediously challenging. Nonetheless, it is vital that you do all you can to let a loving relationship with her blossom. Not just for your sake, but your husband’s and future children.
How to avoid longterm mother-in-law drama
Here are some thoughts in no particular order:
- Respect the mother/son relationship. It’s a beautiful thing to behold. Yes, it can sometimes be controlling, requiring calibration. But begin your relationship with your MIL by honoring her love for her son.
- Try to be friends. Ask her to lunch. Call her. When appropriate, ask her advice. Let her know you value her.
- Set boundaries with clear communication. For example, where are you going to spend holidays? His family? Yours? Alternating? Neither?
- Awkward boundary issues should be handled by direct communication between your husband and MIL. If husband tends to be wishy-washy, be sure you two talk things through with minimal emotion and set clear objectives before he picks up the phone. You will both be happier in the long run with clear communication, which demonstrates your respect for MIL.
- Be flexible. One-sided relationships don’t thrive. We know one bride whose in-laws demand that Christmas be spent with them. Always. Guess what? The relationship has problems. The boundaries to which we refer above can’t be rigid. All relationships require some give and take to avoid future mother-in-law dramas.
Mother-in-laws display love in different ways
- Try to understand the way MIL shows her love. Everyone is different. Some are direct with words of love and affection. Nice. But others show it with quality time spent with you, even if she’s unable to verbalize her affection. Some show it with gifts or acts of service, or even cooking. And some do it with physical touch. Some show their love in multiple ways. But be aware of what she’s trying to say when affection can’t be expressed with words. It will help your appreciation for her grow.
- Recognize that you’re on the same team. You both love the same man, if in different ways. You both want the best for him.
- Be forgiving. Conflicts will arise, as they do in all human relationships. Don’t hold on to them, because it serves no one’s interest. Work towards resolution. And be kind in the process. Sometimes, you just have to make a tough choice to forgive and forget. Do it. By the same token, if you have been the source of the conflict, apologize and ask for her forgiveness.
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